'Southern Charm' Camping Trip Recap, or ALERT WHITNEY WAS IN A BAND
After a week off, Lindsay and I are back to recap that Southern Charm boys camping trip, talk about WHITNEY’S BAND, dish on Kathryn’s new boyfriend Tony Tilapia, answer why Eliza needs to go, and discuss why the Southern Charm women really just deserve their own show already. Let’s get right into it:
M: Real quick I just want to acknowledge from last episode that Craig has a sunglasses shelf for his dates, and he gives them out as party favors when women leave after a night together. That cannot go unmentioned.
L: Because THAT's what women want. Also I doubt he's getting that much play. Craig talks like he has marbles in his mouth.
M: He was SO uncomfortable when Kathryn broke down in the fabric store last week. He was like yeah that's hard but MY FABRIC.
L: Ugh they should have gone to mood and had a Project Runway crossover
M: Would pay to see that.
Patricia, who has a butler and takes everything Emily Post says to heart, is getting a McDonald’s burger at the drive through. Stars, they’re just like us.
M: WAIT. THIS IS THE MCDONALD’S EPISODE. I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS. OMG SHE ORDERED "THE USUAL."
L: Of course Patricia doesn't like ketchup. Ketchup is disgusting. Omg and she loves Taco Bell. YES TACO BELL. Yes queen.
M: I wanna go to Taco Bell with Patricia
L: Me too.
M: Wait, is this episode an ad for taco bell? Cameran just brought Shep Taco Bell. I’m not mad about it.
L: Yeah, I'm into it. Shep really just told her, “You can't make money without taking risks” aka “I have family money so who cares.”
M: Yeah he has no real clue.
L: About anything.
Enter Kathryn’s boyfriend Joe, or, as Lindsay calls him:
L: Oh god, are we going to see her Italian boyfriend? Tony Tilapia
M: Lol Joe? Yes.
L: Timmy Pots-And-Pans
M: Hahaha where do you come up with this stuff?
L: Vinny Bagadonuts. It's just inate
M: Love it.
L: Kathryn those look like store-bought meatballs. Put some sauce over the top. Amateur.
M: She's TRYinG.
L: She should have been SIMMERING store-bought sauce so it would SMELL LIKE FOOD AND BE MORE BELIEVABLE
M: From what I’ve heard, Joe deserves store-bought.
L: At least Joe's being nice and saying that he didn't know she bought the food, because it looks like she bought the food. Joey Chestnuts. Salvatore Scrubs. God, I should have made a list of Italian names.
M: Honestly, I just want this whole recap to be your names for Joe.
L: These are all off the cuff. I just want you to know.
M: I'm very impressed
L: Being Italian has been preparation for this moment.
The guys are planning a camping trip to make Austen feel better about his breakup. Shep continues to be clueless.
L: Is it appa-lach-in or appa-lay-chin?
M: No idea, but whatever Shep said is probs wrong.
L: BUT he'll go to the GRAVE insisting he's right.
M: Obviously.
L: Omg when Austen took that phone call, Shep’s like, "Is he conducting BUSINESS? He has to WORK for a LIVING?”
M: I care 0 percent about this man drama. I'm Hannah on The Bachelorette saying, "STAY IN YOUR FREAKING LANE.”
L: Do you watch Marvelous Maisel? Austen's beer reminds me of when Susie printed 6 business card and she keeps asking for them back so she doesn't have to print more. Like, "Don't drink that man, it's just for show. I only have 3 cases."
M: Hahaha 100%. Also is that the onluy beer they're bringing? What if they don’t like it? Grapefruit beer can get old FAST
Austen’s exes, Madison and Chelsea, talk about going into business together because they don’t need no man.
M: Madison works 6 days a week. Austen works 0.
L: I'm into Chelsea and Madison working together.
M: This is like that movie, where the girlfriends team up. I’m for it.
L: The Other Woman. It's a great film. Oh, Madison no. Austen did not have "so much potential."
M: nO.
L: I'm glad we get to see Madison's side of the story. "I pay my taxes. [Shep’s] parents pay [his]." Z I N G
M: PROMOTE MADISON TO FULL TIME! WE NEED THOSE ONE LINERS.
L: based on this conversation 100%. Take Eliza away, bring Madison in.
M: Eliza has been pointless this season.
On the bus ride to the camping spot, Whitney reveals that he used to BE IN A BAND CALLED STAPLEGUN. Lindsay and I need to process that for a moment.
L: Do you think that Whitney knows how to do laundry?
M: No. He doesn't know how to take his glasses off during sex.
L: He wants to SEE ok? HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WHITNEY’S BAND I'M CRYING.
M: Is that 4real? I cannot. WHO is this man?
L: Honestly who is Staplegun?
M: Idk but I have SO many questions.
L: I bet he kept his glasses on then, too, with his groupies. [Note: Whitney also joked about having a band called Renob. You can see him play guitar below:]
629 Likes, 47 Comments - Whitney Sudler-Smith (@wsudlersmith) on Instagram: "Rock you like a Hurricane! #fuckyoumatthew #scorpionsrule"
Eliza is apparently still on this show. Naomie and Danni take pity on her and go horseback riding together to talk sh*t about Kathryn.
M: Eliza, no one cares about your drama.
L: Literally. It's like mandated by production that the cast hangs out with her for some scenes.
M: I'm so glad I’m not forced to be friends with anyone. Sounds exhausting
L: Same. It's probably why I have so few friends. BUT SCORPIOS ARE LONERS. Omg look at that armadillo.
M: ELIZA. ENOUGH ABOUT THE PLANE CRASH. Making an accident you weren't even in about you is such a weird choice. She's T-Swifting it.
L: This conversation is only possible because they're fighting with Kathryn. If they were getting along with Kathryn it would be fine.
M: Yeah, there would be nothing to talk about.
L: You know what this is? Danni tryna to get that full time role.
M: Honestly upgrade Danni and Madison and ditch Eliza. Eliza literally makes everything about her. I KNOW WHAT KATHRYN IS GOING THROUGH BECAUSE MY DAD.
Cameran is hiring a nanny so she can go back to work, which she feels guilty about.
M: Cam, don't feel guilty! Get that money. Live that life. Proud of you.
L: I do enjoy how honest she is, because I don't have children but I don't think it would be enough for me.
M: She really just asked this prospective nanny, "Do you believe in astrology?" Sure, read that baby her horoscope.
The boys’ trip is more Madison bashing, but then Shep and Whitney decide to also bash Craig. They also all suck at camping.
M: AUSTEN ALLEGEDLY CHEATED FIRST. Why is that so hard for people to understand? And by people I mean Craig and Shep.
L: No, but that didn't count because he's a man. Like you just don't get it. He's a man, so it’s ok.
M: Oh, yes. I forgot.
L: Why are the guys on this trip? Because there are no stories to tell without Thomas around? THERE I SAID IT.
M: Yep. The producers were like, ooh the girls’ trip was drama. Time for a boys’ trip.
L: Snooze.
M: Originally this trip was supposed to be to Nashville which I would have enjoyed watching much more than them being dumb and camping.
L: They're going to Nashville later.
M: Ok good. I miss it. I wanna see it on TV. [Note: Did you know I went to Nashville recently? Pls observe my Nashville wall photos here.]
L: For Whitney, getting back to nature is standing in the grass without shoes. Also of. f*cking. course Craig wants to "go into the forest" I would leave Craig in the forest.
M: This looks like a truly miserable trip. I would have also stayed on the bus.
L: Let's say that there was a zombie apocalypse, and you needed a partner, WHO WOULD PICK ANY OF THESE GUYS?
M: I'd pick Whitney for the money. He can have his butler help us survive.
L: Money will be worthless after the apocalypse. You need survival skills
M: Maybe Shep because he hurt his knee so he can’t run right now. He'd get eaten first while I run.
L: That's a good point. I think Austen probably looks like Phoebe Buffay when he runs.
M: Why did they only bring 6 logs for this fire? Who planned this?
L: Whitney's thought bubble is, “Why couldn't I just have executive produced this and not appeared?”
M: I think he enjoys this. Just watching the chaos around him make him money.
L: Whitney is actually being super annoying.
M: This segment of the show is a microcosm for how much these men are incapable of doing anything. This is so hard to watch. Craig just throwing salt all over the place. Season before you put it on the fire, Craig.
L: Craig, saying "I got more varsity letters" is like telling people your GPA.
M: Anyone who talks about high school after they’ve graduated college, I’m like, no. Also Shep, it isn't funny to make fun of your friends. Craig isn’t having fun.
L: This show needs to be completely recast. There's ribbing and then there's being an a**hole.
M: Whitney really just shouted “YOU GOT HOTDOG JUICE ON MY GLASSES!” Not the sex glasses!
L: It takes a lot to ruin a hot dog, but I think they did.
M: Whitney and Shep egg each other on in the worst way.
L: No one needs to see Shep fail at cooking hot dogs.
M: Even I can cook hot dogs.
L: Oh, they’re talking about Joey Jim-Jams again. DJ Joey Jamz. Wait, what’s his real name? I made up so many I forgot it. Anyway, I don’t care about this boys’ trip. I don’t want to watch it.
M: It took Austen and Craig long enough, but maybe they’ll stop fawning over Shep now that they see how much of a jerk he can be. Expose him. Also, give me a spinoff on Cam's career expansion or Chelsea and Madison starting a business together. Basically, again, this show is about a bunch of idiot men and women who have/are aiming high in their careers. The End.
Next week I’m going to see Paul McCartney in concert (or his replacement if you believe the Paul is Dead theory.) So until the next CChatCap follow Lindsay here and me here.
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